Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Pity Party

Oh hello there. So what that it has been a week and a half since my last post. (does that feel like confession to anyone else? I'm not even Catholic.) My basic M.O. is that I get really excited about something and I will be into it for a while (the time varies) and then I will get bored or lose interest and it falls by the wayside. I feel like this is happening with my blogging.(Jason told me that he is surprised I've lasted this long. Thanks babe.) It has certainly happened with working out. The thing is, I don't want to quit blogging. I have made some real connections with people and I think it is also very cathartic for me. I can get shit out of my head because goodness knows I won't talk about my feelings out loud. Plus, I just like to know that people want to read what I have to say.

 I have this thing where I am desperate to "belong". I have always wanted to be in the group that was the center of attention. I will get my feelings hurt if I feel that I am left out or not invited to something even if it is completely innocent. Therapy, anyone? I know I need to get over it and stop worrying so much about what others think of me, but it is hard. 

Recently, I had someone who I thought was a friend just cut me out. Stopped texting, calling and emailing and I have no idea why. My first reaction is to withdraw and in turn cut them back (if that makes any sense). If I am feeling butt hurt about something, then I shut others out as well. I've figured out that it is my secret hope that someone will say, "Amanda, where have you been? What's going on? I've missed you." etc. However, I am only hurting myself by doing that. Remove yourself from people's line of vision and they tend to forget about you. No one is going to chase you down. 

So, long story short (too late) is that I am going to try and do a better job of blogging. Hmm, have we heard this before? I just need to make it a priority and I struggle with that. Speaking of making things a priority, exercise has fallen waaaaaay by the wayside. Plus my eating has not been that great so I've put on 5 or 6 pounds and am back in the 150's. I'm not happy about this at all. You'd think that since I had signed up to complete a half marathon this weekend, I would be all about training. Well, I finally came out of my denial state and realized that there is just not a way I'm going to be able to make the trip to Indiana this weekend. Once I accepted that, I became incredibly sad and disappointed and upset and... you get the picture. Why the hell should I workout when I don't have anything to work out for? Cue pity party. 

I am still incredibly disappointed that I won't be going this weekend. Not only because I've already paid for the race and I really wanted to try to PR, but there are so many women going that I wanted to see again or meet for the first time. (Desperate need to be part of the cool club rearing it's ugly head again). So, to all of you who will be running this weekend. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have a great time. I will not ignore Instagram again and will be cheering you on in spirit.

Instead, I will be taking a couple days off of work (since I asked for them off anyway) and focus on me. I'll lace my shoes back up and hit the pavement. I'll spend some quality time with my daughters and maybe meet up with a new friend. I will not wallow in what I can't have. There is no point and much more joy in cherishing what I do have. Self realization for the win!